A Holiday Announcement From TSA



TSA Agent: “happy holidays.”
Me: “um… do I know you?”
TSA Agent: “well no, no you do not.”
Me: “then why you wishing me happy holidays?”
TSA Agent: “because it’s the customary thing to do.”
Me: “so then you don’t really mean it?”
TSA Agent: “well, I guess in your case, no, no I do not.”
Me: “then why don’t you just say what you mean?”
TSA Agent: “ok, how about, I hope your holidays suck!”
Me: “now you’re talkin’ – fuck you and you’re damn holiday cheer!”
TSA Agent: “right!? Here’s to a shitty New Year!”
Me: “ahaha! No resolutions for you, eh?”
TSA Agent: “hope your plane crashes and y’all die!”
Me: “whoa! You didn’t just say that, did you?”
TSA Agent: “what? Was that wrong?”
Me: “hells yeah, not even funny.”
TSA Agent: “but you said to say what I really mean.”
Me: “but there’s limits as to what’s acceptable.”
TSA Agent: “this polite banter thing is so confusing.”
Me: “yes, awkward social interactions are pretty taxing.”
TSA Agent: “how’s about I just pat you down and we don’t talk.”
Me: “absolutely yes, that’s my favorite.”
TSA Agent: “geez, for a deplorable degenerate you’re not so bad.”
Me: “ya know, for a fascist stormtrooper you’re all right.”
TSA Agent: “happy holidays, buddy.”
Me: “same to you, pal!”

TSA Agent: “Merry Christmas!”
Me: “Um… what’s the catch?”
TSA Agent: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Why you wishing me a merry christmas?”
TSA Agent: “Can’t I spread the holiday cheer?”
Me: “Your entire stormtrooper facade screams, ’no’.”
TSA Agent: “But we’re the new TSA!”
Me: “New TSA?”
TSA Agent: “Trump’s TSA!”
Me: “Um…”
TSA Agent: “…”
Me: “So… strip search and all my rights violated?”
TSA Agent: “Absolutely!”
Me: “Merry fuckin’ christmas.”
TSA Agent: “Ho, ho, ho!”

TSA Agent: “Sir, is this your bag?”
Me: “Um… yes it is.”
TSA Agent: “Any food items inside?”
Me: “There could be…”
TSA Agent: “You don’t know?”
Me: “Hard to say in absolutes.”
TSA Agent: “Man should know if he’s carrying food.”
Me: “Really, this some kind of unwritten rule?”
TSA Agent: “No man, that’s survival of the fittest stuff.”
Me: “Ain’t we top of the food chain?”
TSA Agent: “I know I am…”
Me: “What about the apocalypse, end of the world?”
TSA Agent: “I’d eat you.”
Me: “You win.”

Girl sitting next to me on the plane says to me: “I’m a normal regular college kid and I’ve never met anyone that’s gone to jail or even talked to a real drug addict.”
I just didn’t have the heart to tell her: “we’ll, you have now.”

Tiny Child: “I gotta go bathroom!”
TSA Agent: “not now you don’t.”
Me: “come on TSA dude, let the kid go piss.”
Tiny Child: “I gotta go now!”
TSA Agent: “you shut up, and you kid, hold it.”
Me: I’m confused, am I the hold it, or the shut…”
TSA Agent: “shut up!”
Me: “ah, okay, got it.”
Tiny Child: “I need bathroom!”
TSA Agent: “where the hell are his parents?”
Me: “don’t look at me.”
Tiny Child: “gonna wet my pants!”
TSA Agent: “oh hell no!”
Me: “I’d say ya got yourself a red alert here.”
TSA Agent: “listen buddy, I’m not going to warn you again.”
Me: “warn me about what?”
Tiny Child: “I gotta go bathroom!”
TSA Agent: “shut the fuck up!”
Tiny Woman: “did you just tell my 5 year old to shut the fuck up?”
TSA Agent: “I certainly did not!”
Me: “lady, I heard him swear at your kid.”
Tiny Woman: “you sir, are a vile man!”
TAS Agent: “ma’am, I assure you I…”
Tiny Child: “I gotta go bathroom!”
TSA Agent: “jesus, take your brat and get outta here!”
Tiny Woman: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”
TSA Agent: “please, all of you, just go away!”
Me: “they train you for this shit in TSA school.”
TSA Agent: “I don’t wanna do this any more.”
Me: “excellent, my work here is done.”

TSA Agent: “Mr. Idol, there’s an irregularity with your luggage.”
Me: “I’m not… irregularity? What the fuck does that mean?”
TSA Agent: “well, Mr. Idol, seems the x-ray detected an dense object.”
Me: “and that means?”
TSA Agent: “we have to investigate.”
Me: “think I’m detecting some density as well.”
TSA Agent: “how so, Mr. Idol?”
Me: “dude, this ain’t a medical procedure, open the damn bag.”
TSA Agent: “so you’re givin’ us permission?”
Me: “you have my blessing, TSA dude.”
TSA Agent: “see, I told you Mr, Idol would understand.”
TSA Agent 2: “no, you said he’d kick my ass!”
TSA Agent: “shut up, Agent Conroy.”
TSA Agent 2: “um, Mr. Idol sir, what is this object?”
Me: “looks like a plaster antique severed head of Jesus with the obligatory crown of thorns.”
TSA Agent 2: “and the origin of said severed head?”
Me: “I refuse to answer, you know, 5th amendment.”
TSA Agent: “Ah, Mr. Idol, may I call you Billy?”
Me: “um… no.”
TSA Agent: “well, okay then. Why the head Mr. Idol.”
Me: “ahhh… it’s Easter?”
TSA Agent: “fair enough. You gotta permit to transport object d’art?”
Me: “it was a gift, um, from a fan.”
TSA Agent 2: “Mr. Idol, for the love of christ, why Jesus’ head?”
Me: “you’d rather it was his butt?”
TSA Agent: “good point.”

Flight delayed three hours due to “extreme weather” in Southern California. Twenty minutes out of Oakland we hit turbulence, and it continued all the way down. Drinks got spilled. Babies were crying. The large woman next to me had her rosary out. The drunk woman across the aisle wanted to know if I was Billy Idol. I screamed,” leave me the fuck alone, we’re all going to die!” The stewardess asked me to keep my opinions to myself. We circled Burbank Airport two times, the pilot said we only had an extra fifteen minutes of fuel and if he didn’t make it down through the crosswinds this next pass he was flying back to Oakland. We did a bump and grind across the sky, dropped 100 feet straight down, and everyone clapped as he slid us sideways onto the tarmac. When the plane came to a stop the drunk lady handed me an unused barf bag and asked for my autograph. I wrote, “your life was flashing before your eyes and you were still annoying” – love Billy. I did not kiss the ground when I deplaned. It was only fucking Burbank after all.

TSA Agent: “ticket, ID.”
Me: “here, okay?”
TSA Agent: “this you on the ID?”
Me: “who else it gonna be?”
TSA Agent: “don’t know, but you don’t look like him.”
Me: “I don’t look like what him?”
TSA Agent: “that’s what I’m asking.”
Me: “you want ID, I give you ID.”
TSA Agent: “but I want your ID.”
Me: “you got my ID.”
TSA Agent: “this ain’t you.”
Me: “says who?”
TSA Agent: “says me.”
Me: “how you gonna prove that?”
TSA Agent: “I don’t gotta prove it.”
Me: “exactly.”
TSA Agent: “exactly?”
Me: “just what I said.”
TSA Agent: “who said?”
Me: “me, the guy on the ID.”
TSA Agent: “this you?”
Me: “uh huh.”
TSA Agent: “have a nice flight.”
Me: “don’t mind if I do.”

TSA Agent: “ID, boarding pass?”
Me: “Yes, of course, here.”
TSA Agent: “Leaving the country?”
Me: “Why yes, yes I am.”
TSA Agent: “Purpose of your trip?”
Me: “I already told you, leaving the country.”
TSA Agent: “Business? Pleasure?”
Me: “I just want to leave.”
TSA Agent: “Why?”
Me: “Have you seen the state of things?”
TSA Agent: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Hurricanes, earthquakes, a Nazi in the White House…”
TSA Agent: “Its not that bad.”
Me: “It’s the apocalypse.”
TSA Agent: “Have you tried talking to Jesus?”
Me: “too afraid of what he’d say.”
TSA Agent: “He’d probably say, ‘Make America great again.’”
Me: “Exactly.”


This entry was posted on Monday, December 2nd, 2019 at 9:10 am. Leave a comment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

4 Reasons Behind Fentanyl’s Deadly Rise In Popularity



America is experiencing one of its worst drug epidemics in history, and opiates are at the forefront. There are literally millions of Americans addicted to opiates, and according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health about 948,000 Americans reported using Heroin last year alone. Every week there are over 900 opiate-related deaths due in part to heroin and other drugs that have been laced with Fentanyl. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Fentanyl is 100 times more potent than Heroin and, because of its potency, Fentanyl is becoming more and more prevalent in practically every drug sold in America. Knowingly or unknowingly, addicts are using Fentanyl in record numbers.

Here are 4 Reasons Behind Fentanyl’s Deadly Rise In Popularity. 

1. More Bang For The Buck: Addicts are always looking for the biggest high. Drug traffickers know that their customers want something stronger, and are choosing to lace their street drugs with Fentanyl. In addition, some addicts searching for a more potent and cheaper drug have gone on to prefer Fentanyl over heroin or prescription painkillers. As Kristen Marshall, a member of the Harm Reduction Coalition in San Francisco states, “For drug users, it’s just like you or I making decisions about the products we choose when we grocery shop. Fentanyl is stronger, you need less of it, and it’s cheaper. So why wouldn’t I, as somebody with limited funds, want to spend my money on something that’s a better value and therefore a better product?

2. Some Addicts Don’t Know They Are Using Fentanyl: In her study, “Heroin Uncertainties: Exploring Users’ Perceptions Of Fentanyl-Adulterated And-Substituted ‘Heroin’,” Dr. Sarah Mars states, “Fentanyl is rarely sold as Fentanyl. The dealers selling Fentanyl directly to the users often don’t know what’s in it.” Meanwhile police in Gulfport Mississippi issued a warning to the public for counterfeit Oxycodone tablets that look like regular “Oxys”, but were instead Fentanyl and were involved in numerous overdose deaths. A subsequent DEA Lab analysis revealed that the pills contained no Oxycodone at all. The musician Prince died from an overdosed of what he thought was Vicodin, but was actually a counterfeit laced with Fentanyl. “In all likelihood, Prince had no idea he was taking a counterfeit pill that could kill him,” said Prosecution Attorney Mark Metzat at a news conference detailing Prince’s death. Many addicts considerably less famous than Prince are just as unaware that they are using Fentanyl. 

3. It’s Cheaper To Make Than Heroin: Fentanyl is easily and quickly made in a lab. Comparatively, Heroin is produced by first growing opium poppies—which takes a minimum of 4 months to grow to maturity—and then converting the resin from the plants—through a complex and time consuming process—into Heroin. As Fentanyl is way more potent then Heroin the profit margin for drug traffickers is considerably more. According to a U.S. Law Enforcement Task Force known as the Fentanyl Working Group, the cost to produce one kilogram of Fentanyl is $32,000 with a street value of $20 million. The Fentanyl Working Group believes that the majority of the world’s supply of illicit Fentanyl comes from labs in China. It’s then shipped to the United States through Latin America where drug traffickers use it to cut their heroin, which further boosts their profits.

4. A Reaction To The Current Restriction Of Prescription Pain Medication: The Opioid epidemic began in the 1990s when pharmaceutical corporations, using falsified test results, assured the medical community that certain prescription pain medications were non-addictive. Believing the test results presented by these pharmaceutical companies, doctors began prescribing painkillers in record numbers. Segue to twenty years later, doctors were writing more than 238 million prescriptions for pain meds every year. The use of opioids has spread across every demographic in the United States and a third of the adult population were using prescription pain relievers. Not so unpredictably the number of cases regarding addiction, overdoses, and deaths were also increasing and the Department of Justice began to take notice. Eventually, the Feds charged many pharmaceutical companies with misleading the medical community in regards to the drug’s potential for abuse and major restrictions were placed on all opiate prescriptions. The people addicted to these prescription drugs were now told that they could no longer be prescribed pain meds. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, four in five new heroin users started out by misusing the previously mention prescription painkillers, and now 94 percent of those addicts switched to illicit street drugs because they could no longer get the pain medications they were originally prescribed. Now with Fentanyl use on the rise, these addicts are right in the cross hairs for potential overdoses.

This continued rise in Fentanyl abuse is due to its easy access and abundant availability. Public health officials, law enforcement, and emergency personnel struggle to respond as this crisis continues to expand. In his study “The Future of Fentanyl and Other Synthetic Opioids,” researcher Bryce Pardo suggests that the opioid epidemic could still get worse if Fentanyl use becomes more widespread, “One of the most important and depressing insights in this analysis is that however bad the synthetic opioid problem is now, it is likely to get worse before it gets better.” According to Tim Pifer, the Director of the New Hampshire State Police Forensic Laboratory “You don’t know what you’re taking. You’re injecting yourself with a loaded gun.


Originally published by Cast Centers, October (2019)


This entry was posted on Friday, November 8th, 2019 at 10:04 am. Leave a comment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

Drinks with Tony: Patrick O’Neil – #45



Patrick O’Neil is the author of Gun, Needle, Spoon and is a contributing editor to Sensitive Skin Magazine. He works with Natashia Deon on the project Redeemed, helping rehabilitated felons work on receiving a possible pardon. In fact, O’Neil was pardoned by Governor Jerry Brown for his past felony convictions. Yeah, that’s so much fun to say.

Enjoy the show.


Drinks with Tony is hosted by Tony DuShane. The show has aired on KFJC, Pirate Cat Radio, and Radio Valencia since 2001. It has also been available as a podcast on and off over the years, but now, we’re back every Wednesday.

The show features interviews with writers and storytellers. Over the years we’ve had hundreds of guests including Nick Cave, Steve Buscemi, James Ellroy, Wim Wenders, Parker Posey, Marlon James, Amy Sedaris, and more.

DuShane is an author, screenwriter, and writing instructor at UCLA Extension. Go to www.tonydushane.com for more info.


Originally published by Drinks with Tony, August (2019)


This entry was posted on Monday, October 7th, 2019 at 2:20 pm. Leave a comment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.