I was not the most honest person when I was using drugs. I’d lie, cheat and steal from everyone that I ever came in contact with. Basically I was your typical heroin addict. You probably know the saying: “How can you tell when a junkie is lying? His lips are moving.” But what I have learned since coming into recovery is that if you want to stay clean, you have to be honest. There is nothing more detrimental to a program of sobriety than secrets and lies. And once you start going down that road, you’re pretty much in the slippery territory of relapse.
But then, for a telling-the-truth-challenged recovering addict like myself, I didn’t actually know what being honest entailed until I came into recovery, and in the beginning it wasn’t easy. Like when I’d just gotten off drugs and wasn’t quite sure I really wanted to be because the lure of deadening my feelings was still quite desirable. One day I was at a meeting and the speaker was all drug-alogue and no recovery; when he described using heroin in detail, I got the urge to use so bad that I was shaking with anticipation. My brand new sponsor was sitting next to me, and it must have been obvious to him that I was having a hard time even though he didn’t really know me yet.
He asked if I was okay and because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t, I just said yes and left it at that. Later that night I found myself in the worst part of the city window-shopping for drugs, telling myself I was just down there to see if the dealers remembered me and if the bags of dope were the same size. I was so close to using I could actually taste it, and that’s when I knew I was in trouble. Thankfully I made it to a pay phone and called my sponsor; just by telling him where I was and what I was doing made part of the urge to use slip away. But it wasn’t until he came and picked me up and I was safely sitting in his car that I was able to get honest and admit that the speaker at that meeting had triggered me. Although not surprised, my sponsor asked why I hadn’t said something, and I realized that I didn’t want anyone—especially my sponsor—to perceive me as weak. My ego was still worried about the image I projected in a room full of people that had already surrendered. Obviously I still had a lot to learn, but what I came to terms with that night was that not telling the truth had almost cost me my sobriety.
After that, I really got serious about my recovery, and every time I was at a meeting and heard someone read the phrase in the preamble—“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves”—I’d promise myself that from now on I would be totally honest in all my affairs. And then when I had 10 months clean and was at a bank cashing my first paycheck in sobriety, the teller made a mistake counting the crisp new $100 dollar bills and there was an “extra” one in the pile. As I recounted the money, I got an adrenalin rush like I was stealing.
Immediately, thoughts of entitlement performing moral gymnastics danced through my head as I scrambled to justify my ill gotten gains; times were tough, funds were low, I could really use the extra cash, it was the teller’s fault and not mine, I’m innocent, this isn’t stealing. I had left the bank and was in my car about to drive away when I remembered “Those who do not recover…are constitutionally incapable of being honest.” Reluctantly I returned and gave the money back.
“Wow,” the teller said. “I would never have done that.” For a second, I felt like a fool. Only then did I realize that being honest wasn’t for others, it was for me.
Yet even with that realization firmly etched into my brain, there were still times I would consider lying as an alternative. When filling out job applications, there is nothing more discouraging than having to check the “yes” box for the “Have you ever been convicted of a felony”” question. It might as well be renamed the “Please disqualify yourself from ever being hired” box. Because whenever I admitted to having felony convictions, I would never get the job. I’m not saying this to garner sympathy, or to deflect the blame onto anyone else but myself. I understand how I look on paper. Yet when it all comes down to a checked box deciding the quality of who I am today—well, it all seems rather futile. But then the reality is if I did omit the truth, a background check would disqualify me anyway. So really lying wasn’t even an option there either.
And then there was my overly obsessive need to divulge my recovery status. I had no problem informing anyone and everyone I was in a 12 step program. In fact, much like when I was proud to be a junkie, I wore sobriety as a badge of honor and felt compelled to tell complete strangers that I was no longer using drugs or alcohol. Being clean had become my identity and I thought that by telling everyone the truth, I was working an honest program. Only there’s such a thing as too much information and the program’s spiritual foundation of anonymity, and all I was really doing was reinforcing my determination to stay clean by saying it out loud.
Yet even when I celebrated a year clean, the whole “honesty” concept was still somewhat confusing. I judged other addicts for what I saw as inconsistencies in their programs, and I had no problem telling everyone what I saw as their truth. Yet I didn’t know how to discern what was being honest, and what was just being rude and obnoxious. Like when my girlfriend asked if the jeans she was wearing made her ass look big, and I said in all honesty that yes her ass looked big because her ass was big and the jeans just sort of made it more obvious. Of course this did not go over well. Her feelings were hurt, and I felt like shit for making her feel bad. But I had told the truth, right? Only sometimes people aren’t asking for the truth. Their simple questions are really much deeper, concerning the unsaid need for support and the showing of love. But I was perplexed as to where the fine line of honesty stopped and compassion began.
Eventually I came to an understanding of what the truth was, and what was personal, and what was none of my business. I now realize that honesty is more than just not lying. It is how I conduct myself, how I treat others and how I walk through life with grace. I don’t openly lie, but I do not need to honestly tell everyone what I think. I am not responsible for overseeing all honesty; I only need to oversee my own integrity and accountability. It is not always easy to not be self-righteous, but when I finally worked the steps and found a place of acceptance for those around me as well as for myself, I found peace and an understanding of what truly being in recovery means.
This entry was posted on
Friday, November 6th, 2015 at
10:43 am. Leave a comment. You
can follow any responses to this entry
through the RSS 2.0
Originally published by AfterPartyMagazine November 10, 2014
I’m on a plane. The flight attendant is handing out drinks. A woman across the aisle has ordered a Bloody Mary. It looks really good. Inviting even. I don’t like Bloody Marys. There’s too much going on with them. All that tomato juice, hot sauce, vegetation and ice, competing with what’s really important—the goddamn vodka. Back when I drank, I had a healthy disdain for this sort of complicated drink. But for some reason, I’d really like to order one right now. Just say, “Fuck it,” be a regular guy and go for a cocktail.
This is not normal behavior. I have 14-plus years in recovery. I don’t drink. Besides, I was a terrible alcoholic. I was a drug addict. But I’m on a national book tour, supporting my first book, a memoir about being a drug addict. Which is all oddly déjà vu-ish, as I used to also be a tour manager for bands back in the ‘80s. I did a lot of drugs out on the road and drank more than my fair share of alcohol. And now, 30 years later, I’m on tour again.
It’s decidedly not a rock and roll circus—but all the stress is here, that same old logistical nightmare of getting to the gigs on time, of hotels and airplanes. And there’s this nagging voice in my head that’s telling me, “You’ve done a good job, now it’s time to drink a beer, shoot drugs, relax, reward yourself, you deserve it.”
My last major rock and roll tour was 1986. I was so strung out on heroin I barely remember it. I was on the road for two months, hitting every major city in North America. There would be mornings I’d wake up and not know where I was or, still worse, where I was going to score the drugs I needed to keep me going. But addicts are cunning and I always managed to find the rough side of town, a sleazy bar, kindhearted knowledgeable hookers, or to simply wander by the methadone clinic looking like I was in need. I thought nothing of putting myself in harm’s way. It was all about the drugs and life was just sort of secondary.
These days, I’m still an addict, but I’m an addict in recovery who goes to meetings. I hit at least five a week and whenever I travel I still make meetings. In fact, I was just at one in New York City not five hours before this flight. It was one of those odd noon meetings where there’s that special mix of folks fresh out of rehab and old timers with a lot of years. It was in the basement of a synagogue on the Lower East Side—one of those neighborhoods that I used to score dope in. When the secretary asked if there were any out-of-town visitors, I introduced myself and said I was from LA. A tough-looking woman hugged me afterwards, a newcomer wanted my phone number, and nothing about being there made me want to use.
But now as I sit here on this plane among all these “normal” people ordering drinks, I have this burning desire to be one of them. Although I don’t usually covet a Bloody Mary, I do crave alcohol as a way to not feel my emotions, and being out here on tour is stressful. My negative inner voice kicks in big time, telling me I suck, I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m going to fail. And because I’m also on my own, I think that no one will know, I can get away with it. And, really, what’s so bad about one tiny airplane bottle of vodka?
But the truth is, I’ve been down this road before. One drink is never enough. Eventually, I’ll take the plunge and go for my drug of choice and, once I cross that line, I’m off on a run—a run I don’t know for sure that I can make it back from.
Sadly, I’ve been seeing a shockingly large number of people who had multiple years now raising their hands at meetings as newcomers. I’m not sure if it’s due to the chaotic society we live in, the bad economy or how readily available drugs seem to be these days. But not a one of them has said what a great time they had out there using, and all of them look pretty beaten down and dejected.
Fortunately for me, their relapses serve as a warning—there but for the grace of God, go I. In fact, they scare the hell out of me, as I know just how quickly I could lose everything I have worked so hard for. Just getting my first book published and being on tour is a miracle in itself and, without my program of recovery, none of that would have been possible. In the past 14 years, I’ve gone from being a nervous neophyte with no idea how to live life, to a published author and college educator. I changed my lifestyle so drastically that the 1986 “me” wouldn’t even recognize the “me” of today. And I absolutely don’t want to let any of it go.
So when the attendant asks what I’d like to drink, I tell her a club soda. Then I open my laptop and get on the national NA website and look for the nearest meeting for when I land. I’m pretty sure I’m also due for a call to my sponsor, and maybe even to check in with a sponsee or two. Being in the solution momentarily stops the negative inner dialogue that has been playing like a tape loop inside my head. I really can’t afford to entertain thoughts of relapse, and focusing on what’s at hand helps.
You can never go back home to the past. And with what I have now, why would I want to?
This entry was posted on
Thursday, October 1st, 2015 at
2:09 pm. Leave a comment. You
can follow any responses to this entry
through the RSS 2.0
Originally published by AfterPartyMagazine July 22, 2015
There’s a pain in my left knee that just won’t quit. I can barely stand up, and when I do I can’t really walk. Even so I’m still wondering if I should maybe see a doctor—hoping instead that it will heal itself and go away. When I realize I can’t even make it down the street to the coffee shop for my morning latte, I reluctantly consent to the idea. I may even have to order an Uber, as driving won’t be feasible either. This is pretty much how bad it has to be before I’ll actually go see a doctor. I’m not really sure why that is; I have health insurance, I’m not afraid of doctors or hospitals—in fact, in my addiction I spent plenty of time in and out of ER’s for OD’s and various drug related complications, so it is not unfamiliar ground.
But these days I consider myself somewhat a healthy person. I eat right and exercise daily, usually running about four miles every other day, with workouts at the gym in between. Only after last night’s run, I tried to do my usual routine of stretching to relieve the kinks and something tweaked in my knee and this morning it’s twice its normal size.
Luckily my HMO has an urgent care unit that I can just walk into—okay, maybe more like hobble into—and when I get there I tell the triage nurse my knee really hurts and she says the doctor will see me right away. Twenty minutes later, I’m in the examination room and a young doctor who looks to be about 12 years old is busy twisting my leg asking if it hurts when he does this.
“Yeah, that hurts,” I tell him. And then he tries another angle just to be sure. “Ouch!”
“Hmmm, anterior cruciate ligament…” says the doctor.
“You a runner?” he asks. “Well, you’re not going to be for a while.”
Turns out I’ve damaged a knee ligament and I have to stay off it for four weeks and then do physical therapy for up to six months or more. This is not good. I run not only for exercise, but also for the endorphins to combat depression, and to keep the weight off in order to help address my eating disorder and body dysmorphia.
“You’re going to be very sore,” says the doctor. “I’m prescribing Ibuprofen as an anti-inflammatory and Vicodin for the pain.”
Now I’ve been at the same HMO for the last 13 years, and I have been in recovery for over 14. Written all over my chart is the fact that I am a recovering drug addict and do not take narcotics. This is a personal choice that I have made and over the years I have had to deal with it for various ailments and mental health issues. But usually it is a no brainer—my hangnail does not warrant morphine—and the only time I had to make a hard decision was a few years ago when I was having panic attacks and my primary doctor prescribed a low dose of a drug similar to Valium called Lorazepam to get me through the first couple of days until they subsided. I was so stressed out I would’ve taken anything if I thought it would make the attacks stop, but using a mood altering drug wasn’t an easy or comfortable decision to make. And then there was that colonoscopy that I could do drug free or get knocked out (I took door number two for the unconscious rear-end invasion, thank you very much).
Only the hard truth is that both times I have had really visceral reactions to the drugs, especially coming off them. It is like the demon has been awakened. With the Lorazepam, I found myself anxiously waiting for the prescribed time to take them, counting the minutes, actually the seconds, practically salivating with anticipation, until I had to throw them away—it was just that unhealthy. And then for the colonoscopy, they pumped me full of Michael Jackson’s favorite knock out drug Propofol, and as if that wasn’t enough, when they snipped a possible “cancerous polyp” out of my intestine they gave me an added shot of Demerol in case I was in any “pain” later on. When I came to in the recovery room, I was totally loaded. And when a friend drove me home, she asked if I was okay, and I lied and said yes. But after she left and I was alone, I started climbing the walls with a sense that something was missing in my life and then realized the drugs were wearing off and I was jonesing.
“I’m in recovery,” I tell the doctor. “I don’t do narcotics.”
He looks at me strangely and says, “This is very painful. You are going to need this medication. I’ll call in your prescriptions to the pharmacy.”
His reaction actually reminds me of when I tell people I’m vegetarian and they ask, “So, you eat fish, right?” No, that would be a pescatarian. “Okay, how about chicken?” Um, last I checked, chicken was not a vegetable. Thankfully I rarely get a similar reaction when I say I don’t do drugs—no one says, “Oh, but you snort speed, right?” Because it is pretty much universally understood that when you are drug free, you don’t do drugs. I am not really sure why this doctor appears not to understand the concept of addiction or recovery—it’s not like this is new.
Twenty years ago if I were in a doctor’s office, they would not have left me alone, because they would have feared I would riffle through their cabinets in search of drugs since as soon as they turned their backs, that’s what I did. If I got hurt, the last thing any medical staff did was prescribe me any form of narcotics. I had that look—a junkie in need of drugs—and it was mutually agreed upon that they were not supplying. But these days I no longer exude that desperate addict aura, and I am amazed at how readily available doctors make Schedule II controlled substances. Even when I clearly state that taking them will put me in harms way.
But over the years I have seen too many folks at meetings return as newcomers because they didn’t take precaution around prescription drugs. People think that if a doctor prescribes it, we can’t have problems with it. Even though it’s still an opiate and I’m still a junkie, what could possibly go wrong, right?
I hand my ID and membership card to the pharmacist. Tell her my doctor has called in a prescription for Ibuprofen.
“You’ve got 100 Vicodins as well,” she says.
“100?” I ask in disbelief. Where was this guy when I was using? “No, just the Ibuprofen,” I say. “Thank you.”
This entry was posted on
Tuesday, September 8th, 2015 at
11:12 am. 2 responses. You
can follow any responses to this entry
through the RSS 2.0
Originally published by AfterPartyMagazine July 31, 2015