Fan Mail From The Inside

Patrick O’Neil was just another name being thrown around by this world class namedropper in my Creative Writers Guild. He meant nothing to me, just another name in a long list of names that Boston, captain namedropper, kept regurgitating week after week in our group. Patrick this, Patrick that, Patrick’s a punk rocker, Patrick’s an ex-junkie, Patrick wrote a book. Next thing I know Patrick is coming to speak to our group. Okay, now I’m interested. I knew Boston received a copy of his book and unlike 99% of the members of my writers group I wanted to be hip to the dude’s book so I got it and read it.

Gun Needle Spoon, Patrick’s memoir, wow! It’s a brutally honest telling of a tragic life as a junkie. His life is a horrific fatal car accident you can’t just look away from. From the beginning, a disconnected youth with no place to call home, a father leaving, and mom’s suicide attempts. It is clear he felt lost and abandoned. He struggled in academics striking a blow to his self-esteem. Only then did he find solace in sugary treats. Unfortunately, this led to extra pounds, body image issues, and an eating disorder. All these troubles of youth and still to come, punk rock, addiction, crime, and prison. Patrick’s story sounds all too familiar to us prisoners. I now look forward to Patrick’s arrival.

Patrick made it out to CMF and he’s for real. A genuine dude with a fuck you if you don’t like it attitude. What I liked most is he’s so casual and easy to understand. When he began to share with us his experience writing a book, I thought there’s no way he can fill the time. Not only did he fill the time, but some of us skipped dinner just to enjoy his company a little longer. Patrick came to see us prisoners and he shared openly. His personal experience enlightened us to the pro’s and con’s of writing a book. He inspired all, made us laugh and smile, and was a joy to listen to. I’ll never forget that scumbag.

Punk Rock Billy
California Medical Facility
Vacaville, State Prison

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 1st, 2016 at 8:07 am. Leave a comment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

My Last Armed Robbery

I pulled my last armed robbery 18 years, three months and 29 days ago—but who’s counting? It was a totally botched job. I was too high on drugs and afterwards the cops came to my house and arrested me. When I look back on that time in my life, I don’t recognize the person that I had become. What rational person really goes into a bank with a loaded gun and demands money? Usually not well-educated-middle-class-alternative-arty-type dudes, but that’s who I was. Only I had slipped deep into heroin addiction and life had become as they say, unmanageable.

After an agonizingly uncomfortable weekend withdrawing from heroin in county jail, I was brought before the judge for my arraignment on two counts of armed robbery. I was weak and disheveled. I hadn’t brushed my teeth or showered in days. I was dressed in orange and there were chains wrapped around my waist and ankles that were attached to the handcuffs on my wrists. I imagined that I looked like the caged wild animal that I felt like.

Totally uninterested in my surroundings, I sat in one of the chairs along the wall of the courtroom reserved for those in custody. Every one of us looking quite guilty in shackles and handcuffs, biding our time before we were called in front of the judge. On the other side of the railing were our family and friends. I tried to see if anyone was there for me, but it was so crowded I couldn’t tell. None of my family had bailed me out over the weekend, so I doubted if they’d be at my arraignment. The fact that my bail was a million dollars, and no one had that kind of money, or trusted me not to abscond, didn’t stop me from being resentful. Didn’t they know how horrible this was for me?

When it was my turn the bailiff grabbed me by my arm and dragged me over to the podium in the center of the room facing the judge with my back to the spectators. A Public Defender I’d never met stood next to me. A man across from us said he was the District Attorney. I really wanted a cigarette and wished this was over so I could go back to my jail cell. The judge said, “Mr. O’Neil, you’re being arraigned on two counts of robbery in the first degree, section 211 from the California penal code. How do you plead?”

I looked at the Public Defender who was looking at me like he didn’t know what species I was. Then I turned to the DA who was staring at me like I was fresh meat. Then I looked at the judge and said, “Not guilty?”

I thought that was going to be it and the deputies would now pack me off with all the other degenerates back to county jail. But the DA stood up and said that he was seeking a three strike, twenty-five-to-life conviction, and I was like, “huh?” The judge asked me if I understood the charges.

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” I responded.

When I eventually did make it back to the cozy little cell I shared with an alleged serial killer, I realized my life was over. Drugs had taken me down a road there was no coming back from. And that night, when the rest of the cell block was asleep, I actually cried for the first time in many years. The next day out on the exercise yard, a caged-in piece of blacktop with a bent basketball hoop, I vowed that I was not going to spend the rest of my life in prison. I didn’t know how that was going to work exactly. But if there was anything I could do, it was not going to happen.

After a year and a half of plea-bargaining I was finally sentenced. I was convicted of two felonies—two strikes. The DA told me that I was simply not the kind of drug addict that was going to go straight. That it was only a matter of time before I committed another felony and that would be strike three. “This way is so much more cost effective then a long drawn out trial,” he said.

I did my time in prison, but I had a release date, which is more than most of my fellow convicts had. When I got out on high control parole I checked into a drug and alcohol rehab. I didn’t exactly know how rehab worked, but I knew that if I stayed out on the streets, the DA would get his wish and I’d be doing life. I’d like to tell you that the first rehab worked, but it didn’t. It took another stint in another rehab before I found the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and started working the 12 steps with a sponsor. It wasn’t easy at first but I kept at it, the alternative was too horrific a future to not follow through.

When I completed treatment I got a job working as a counselor at another residential rehab. It was a scary facility for parolees and the mentally ill straight out of jail. I worked there for years, giving back to a community I had only taken from before. I’d like to think that my work there made a difference. It was definitely a humbling experience for me, and ultimately working with recovering addicts and alcoholics kept me clean as well.

Eventually I went back to school and got my masters degree. A few years later I moved to another city and began teaching college. In between semesters I wrote a memoir about my past and getting my life together. Last year it was published and I went on a national book tour to promote it. I now teach at two different universities, I facilitate writing workshops, I’m a contributing editor for a literary journal, I write for numerous publications and once a week I run a creative writing group in a recovery center. My life has turned into something I never imagined it would be. I continue to attend meetings, work the steps, sponsor others, and be of service—and I can truly say that I have never been happier.

On September 24th, 2015 I stood in front of a judge in Department 100 of the Clara Shortridge Foltz Criminal Justice Center, Superior Court of California for Los Angeles County. I had been working with my pro-bono lawyer to request my felonies be expunged and my record cleared. Only the State of California doesn’t grant expungement for felonies where the offender served in state prison. So we were trying for an alternative. I had filled out all the required paperwork, written out detailed explanations taking full responsibility for my part in all my crimes, submitted letters of recommendation and copies of my diplomas and other evidence of self-improvement since 1997.

The judge looked at my paperwork, asked the DA if there were any objections and when there weren’t, signed a California State Certificate of Rehabilitation, which automatically applies to the Governor of California requesting a full pardon.

“Congratulations, Mr. O’Neil,” the judge said, “and good luck.”

Standing at the docket with my lawyer, looking around at the DA and the lawyers arguing the fates of others—it all felt surreal. I got a little teary eyed and experienced an emotional level of calm and wellbeing I’d never felt before.

Last week the certificate arrived in the mail. It may not be a full pardon, yet. But it is recognition of all the work I have put in to changing my life for the better. Today I’m a far cry from that drug-addict-armed-robber sitting in a jail cell, who thought his life had ended. And yeah, I feel pretty damn grateful to have survived all of that and to come out of it not only alive, but a better human being.

This post is dedicated to Natasha Deón without her hard work and support I would probably have never even attempted to navigate the complexities of California’s Criminal Justice system, nor would I have been able to write this essay. Please, if you haven’t already, show some love and buy her amazing novel GRACE.
Originally published by AfterPartyMagazine November 6th, 2015

This entry was posted on Monday, August 1st, 2016 at 9:39 am. Leave a comment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

9 People To Avoid At 12-Step Meetings

I go to a lot of meetings. I tend to go to the same ones, see the same people and listen to the same shares. I do this because I know what to expect, and they know what to expect from me. There’s a familiarity in the incestuousness of repetition. It’s almost like going home to your insane family.

Yet every once in a while I get the crazy notion that I need to switch things up and hit another meeting or two. I usually come to my senses fairly quickly. Because when I venture out of my familiar territory, I almost always run into the dreaded “recovery” stereotypes that made my first few years of meetings almost unbearable.

In the beginning I had a hard time with the concept of “principles before personalities.” Overzealous Big Book thumpers would push my buttons, rigid rule adherers caused me major anxiety and chronic relapsers sent me into a judgmental free-for-all. But nowadays I have fine-tuned my bullshit radar and instead of letting those people and their behaviors get under my skin, I gravitate to those that do not make me cringe. In other words, I make a point of hanging out with the “winners”—those that actually have a program of recovery—and in doing so have found the support I need to stay off of drugs and alcohol.

Now I don’t usually tell people what to do, or give out unsolicited advice, but I’m going to share with you how to recognize these folks so that you too can avoid them.

1) The Over-Sharer

You know those people; they’re the ones that have no problem telling the entire meeting way too much information about themselves and what they’re going through. They usually sit up front by the speaker so that they’ll get called upon to share. Before the speaker has even finished qualifying, they’ve got their hand raised. Then they’ll stare down the secretary until they get picked to share and unload all their dirt. After a few meetings you’ll know more about them then you do about yourself. The only problem is that they never do anything to actually change their lives. Somehow they have missed the part about “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Run away or expect to hear them yammer on about the same issues for eternity.

2) The Bible Thumper (not to be mistaken for the “Big Book Thumper”)

These poor souls are easy to recognize because they usually have their “recovery” literature in some weird faux leather book cover that’s strapped to a bible. Most likely they will begin every share with something like, “First off I would like to thank my Higher Power who I choose to call Jesus Christ.” They will then mention their church, their pastor or priest, and how the only way to stay sober is to get on your knees and pray. After the meeting they will endlessly pester you to come to their place of worship “just to check it out.” Now it’s nice that they’ve found what works for them, only nowhere in any 12-step literature does it say that you have to follow a organized religion—in fact it clearly states “God as we understood Him.” Sounds like a personal choice to me. So when someone starts shoving his or her brand of “salvation” down my throat under the guise of recovery, I feel like I can smell their crack pipe just minutes away from being lit. I have never met anyone that stayed clean and sober with just religion. No matter if they were a Buddhist, Jew, Muslim, or Christian, a religious program is not a program of recovery.

3) The Excessive Highlighter

Ever look over at someone’s recovery book and see that every damn sentence has been highlighted with that same day-glo yellow marker? Yes, there’s a ton of pertinent information in the literature, but to highlight every word is nothing short of overkill. Can you say OCD? Same said for the “dictionary definitioner”—these people look up every word they read as if the definition is somehow going to unlock the “recovery” mystery. I could be wrong here, but how about you just read the book and do the steps with your sponsor?

4) The 13th Stepper

Even people outside of recovery are familiar with this term for smarmy men and women with a lot of time under their belts that prey on a newcomer’s vulnerability. Under the guise of “support,” these people strike up a relationship solely for the purpose of having sex. They are not your friends, nor are they following the principles of recovery. If you still need another reason to judge them, keep in mind that the arbitrary “no relationships for the first year” rule was surely instigated because of them. Really, you can’t work on your issues if you’re busy trying to not come off as undamaged goods to that hottie with a lot of time that keeps inviting you out for coffee after the meeting. So if that cool old timer is coming onto you after you’ve just introduced yourself as a newcomer, tell that predator to keep it in their pants. Not to state the obvious but having sex with someone with double digit sobriety will not keep you clean.

5) The “Prescription Drugs Were Not My Problem” Dude

We’ve all met him. He’s the one that smokes medical marijuana, or takes a ton of Xanax because a doctor prescribes it. He usually starts off his spiel with some line about how bad illegal street drugs are, but these other substances are “medicinal” and they’re what keeps him sane. Sadly, dude is in denial, like big time. He has just switched addictions and unfortunately he will be taking along anyone who starts to believe his misguided ideas. You can usually identify him because he’s slurring his words. This is what we refer to as “Keith Richards clean.” So dude, just do us all a favor and stop lying about your clean/sobriety date because you’re using.

6) The Sponsee Collector

You know the mega-sponsor that thinks the more sponsees he or she has, the better the program of recovery? I’m not talking about the legitimate awesome sponsors with longterm sobriety that naturally attract sponsees. I mean the folks with only a medium amount of sober time who actively collect people. “I’m your sponsor,” you’ll hear them say to a newcomer. But that new sponsee needs to probably get in line and take a number because the sponsee collector is too over extended to actually sponsor anyone correctly. You can spot them because they always share about the amazing step work session they had with their 20 sponsees just before the meeting.

7) The Over Committer

Having a meeting commitment is awesome and a really good way to get involved. However having a commitment at every meeting you attend is a little overboard. If someone is a GSR at the Monday meeting, the secretary for Tuesday, Wednesday’s treasurer, the literature person on Thursday, H&I at the county jail on Friday, chip person at that really large Saturday meeting, and the coffee maker for the Sunday book study, well, she’s over extended herself. Usually this is someone that doesn’t want to actually work a program. Though they’re actually help out a lot, just don’t follow in their footsteps or you will never get your step work done.

8) The In the Rooms Dater

I have a friend that dated so many women that he had to switch fellowships. He didn’t want to leave—he actually really liked the fellowship he was in—but he once told me there was nothing more terrifying than walking into a room where you have had sex with 90% of the women and they all hate you.

9) The Judgmental Writer

You know this guy. In fact you’re reading his stuff right now. He thinks he has this whole thing figured out, and for him, maybe he does. Just don’t take his word for it. Go out there and see what works for you. Maybe oversharing is the right way for you to get it all out so you can move forward? Maybe you need to date an entire meeting, or get a ton of commitments, or find “your lord and savior”? Who knows? Definitely not you, and until you explore every possibility and decide for yourself, you’ll never know.

Happy hunting.
Originally published by AfterPartyMagazine April 14, 2016

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 5th, 2016 at 1:12 pm. 2 responses. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.