Dear Mr. O’Neil,

Thank you for sending your manuscript. However I am at odds as how to respond to your writing. There is a darkness I find unsettling. If I am to believe it actually is memoir then you are not a person I want to know, let alone represent. Your manuscript is not commercially viable, or a type any publisher I work with would want to acquire. That you insist on using fuck as every other word does not help. Profanity is not an alternative to well crafted expression. It does not convey emotions and it alienates women readers. I encourage you to reevaluate your approach to this disconcerting subject matter and perhaps enroll in a creative writing class for a more positive direction. At this time, for the above reasons and much more, I have to decline. I do not feel that I am the appropriate agent for your work.

respectfully yours,

_________ Literary Agency


Dear Patrick O’Neil,

Thank you for sending us “____________.” We’re sorry that we will not be able to use it, but we appreciated the chance to look at your work.

I don’t comment often, but I wanted you to know that I appreciated the humor and the punchy prose. I was intrigued by the narrator and the crying girl. I understand it is nonfiction, but you might consider exploring it as if it were fiction. Try describing what the narrator is wearing and what he likes to eat. Then have someone else, maybe a love interest, interact with another character. Or even if they had a pet, like a dog. I think then it’d be very strong and worth sending out again.

Best wishes, __________


Dear Patrick

Thank you for sending “____________.” I really like it and wanted it for the next issue. However I am almost certain that you have previously submitted this same excerpt of memoir, and I turned it down the first time. Now I am at a dilemma. Should I stand my ground on the previous decision, or break precedence and accept it. Really you are at fault. Whatever decision I make is due to your action. I will confide with the intern reader to see if I am correct, and get back to you shortly.

Appreciated you giving me the opportunity to read your work, again.



Dear Patrick O’Neil,

Thank you for sending us “_______.” We appreciate the chance to consider it, and thank you for taking the time to submit to us. Unfortunately, while this particular work was not right for us, we were intrigued by it. Please consider submitting something more intriguing to us in the future.


Mr. Oneil,

Thank you for your submission to ________. Unfortunately, it’s not what we’re looking for at the moment.

We hope this isn’t the last time we hear from you, though. To thank you for submitting, we’re offering you a $6 discount on one year subscriptions. That means you’re getting two issues of ________ for the price of one. We know how hard you worked on your submission, so it’s the least we could do.

Thank you for sharing, and we hope to hear from you sometime soon.

-The Editors

Dear Patrick,

Thank you for submitting to _______ . Unfortunately, we will not be publishing your submission, but, we are thrilled to invite you to our new writing contest. First place winners will receive a cash prize and publication. Second place winners will receive publication. Please send us your best work and the application fee.

We look forward to receiving your submission and fee.
– The Editors at _______


Hi Patrick,

Thank you for the opportunity to read “_________.” Unfortunately, we’ve decided we won’t be able to publish this story. Recently we’ve received a sizable amount of submissions that glorify drug use, yours included, and have decided that _______ needs to take a stand for what’s right in our community and for our readers. Hence forth ________ will no longer accept your work.

Thanks for your interest in our magazine.

Best Regards,

______, Editor

Dear Patrick O’Neil,

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider “________.” We regret that the piece does not meet our needs at this time. We received hundreds of submissions for this issue, and we appreciate everyone who shared their work with us. But in the end our needs are more important.

The Editors at __________

Dear Mr. O’Neil,

My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. It has been a really busy season, lot of authors with lots of manuscripts. I appreciate you sending me your book. It is a bit intense and not what I am typically used to reading. I am curious as to why you sent it to me? The authors and their stories that I represent are not similar in any way to your story. I do not mean to judge, however I’m perplexed. I feel it would be better for you if you found an agent that was more experienced with the criminal element.


Dear Patrick O’Neil,

We appreciate the opportunity to read your work, but we’ve decided not to publish “________”.

Thank you for trying.

_________, Editor.



The winter issue of ______ has been a long time coming and has been further delayed. Our graphic designer, ______’s, laptop went kablooey. She’s working on getting a new one, but for now the next issue is on hold. If you’ve submitted and haven’t heard from us, we’ll be with you as soon as we can. If you’re waiting on the edge of your seat for the next issue, please be patient with us. We will bring you something great as soon as we can.


Dear Mr. O’Neal,
Thank you for your submission and for your interest in ________. Though we enjoyed your writing, we will not be able to use it. We were flooded with quality submissions for this issue, which made our job both enjoyable and difficult. We were only able to accept the best submissions. However, we want to encourage you to keep sending out your work and wish you the best in finding a home for this work.
Sincerely, the editors

Hey Pat

This sucks.

_________, editor-in-chief of _________

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