Life as a Single Serving

Ladies and gentleman I’ve a real treat for you tonight as once again it’s time for Fromage’s whiney diatribe on being on my own, or shall I say by myself, single, unattached, as opposed to being a part of a couple. A couple a what? I hear you ask. Well, Ok, as in a relationship, like paired with your mate, so to speak, two peas in a pod of mutual connubial bliss. And it isn’t like I’m crying foul and saying that relationships are the work of Satan or some such nonsense as that, it’s just that I’m currently not in one, or two or any for that matter and yeah, there’s still that desire to be desired and loved and cohabitated with. However as of late it hasn’t happened or I haven’t pursued it, or maybe I am in a relationship, it’s just that I’m too feeble minded to know or remember that I am and in turn won’t acknowledge it, at least not in public anyway! But I hardly think that that is the case here.

Nonetheless with me always being a wee bit on the self-conscious side and in a somewhat slightly morbid fear of being misunderstood or at the very least being forced to engage in some sort of debate where I come off looking less than fully prepared to argue my side or worse, ignorant of the facts, I have come up with 10 really good reasons why I’m not presently in a relationship at this time:

  1. The inability to keep a pet. Yep, I went and did it, pulled out the old “no pets” theory—where if the person in question is incapable of taking care of a cute albeit totally useless animal then they are probably unable or unwilling to compromise, placate or even feed another human being, let alone sleep in the same bed with them, or so I’ve been told on numerous occasions
  2. Unable to keep a plant alive. Same theory as number one only just further down on the evolutionary chain, After all who can’t water a little sprout and nurture foliage? Yet unfortunately even during the best of times I’ve tried my hand at caring for house plants; like great big majestic palms and stubby succulents, and if I’m remembering correctly I was even rather pleased about having them, only to wake up months later and there across the room was the dried tortured skeleton of my formerly elegant shrub staring me in the face while trying to evoke a sense of guilt out of me—the ungrateful bastard!
  3. Selfishness. Do I really need to waste anymore of my precious time elaborating on this subject?
  4. Work, or as in my case where I work. Because being a counselor in an all men’s rehabilitation facility whose populace consists of drug addicts, child molesters, alcoholics, murderers, parolees, petty criminals, exhibitionists, glue sniffers, wife beaters, arsonists, grave robbers and the certifiably insane tends to keep me separated from the rest of the world and it’s not like I work with an all female faculty that resemble a naughty nurses porno video from which to elicit hot dates from, since single good looking women just don’t last in this type of environment. Though god forbid in all actuality if it was a female client population I just might not be single. But that’s a whole ‘nother post all together.
  5. Isolative behavior. Pretty self-explanatory: man doesn’t venture outside of his apartment, man is virtually all alone. Of course staying up all night in front of my computer writing posts like this for the internet doesn’t help the situation either.
  6. Antisocial behavior. Read reasons 1 thru 5 again and then stop breathing my air and just leave me the hell alone!
  7. The car. With the numerous weekends spent under the car covered in axle grease while holding a 30-pound driveshaft up with one hand and cursing the world as another bolt to the transmission mount slips out of my fingers again. Not to mention that the heater doesn’t work and I hate heaters anyway except for when it’s really cold and all, and then there’s that small exhaust leak that some days fills the car up with fumes until your eyes water and ya gotta open a window and I’m not even gonna talk about all the money I’ve spent trying to keep it going. But did I mention that I really love this car even though it takes all my attention, time and patients? So much so that maybe another person might not get the reason why?
  8. Ice cream flavors. Having changed my tastes, either out of old age or a lower tolerance to the cacao plant, and these days tending to not want chocolate based flavors but vanilla instead. Like vanilla heath bar crunch or vanilla Swiss almond and of course I eat ice cream in one pint servings, because after all that’s the size that they come in. So like due to my addictive behavior of overindulging, all the vanilla flavors would then be gone and cluttering up the freezer would be those god damn chocolate NY fudge type deals that she likes and then I’ve got to suffer through eating them when in a pinch and… Ok, so like I hardly even eat ice cream any more but this could be a problem, well, it has been in the past and I’m just noting the possibility of repeating it and yeah, it’s a little weak as a reason but…
  9. The side of the bed issue. This too may seem petty to some of you but it has been an issue before and of course there’s the side of the bed that isn’t as choice or with less amenities like the one closest to the wall or the closet as opposed to the one with the nightstand that holds the phone, the alarm clock and the ashtray. Well, Ok, forget the ashtray because I don’t smoke any more, but you know what I’m talking about especially if you’re at a motel and you go to lay down and if you take the time to notice which one of you gravitates to the phone side of the bed, well, that’s what I’m talking about here. It’s a power struggle to see which one of you is in control and it’s not something that I’m willing to concede, especially if I paid for the room or I’m expecting a phone call anytime soon.
  10. Evidently if you’ve gotten this far by reading the last nine reasons, and are still somewhat engaged, then by now it must be blatantly apparent that I spend an inconceivable amount of time dwelling on the absurd, over thinking the mundane and splitting hairs like a nuclear physicist splits atoms. Though obviously after all this you can gather that due to my overly active imagination and obsessive compulsive behavior that I’ve barely time left for a relationship or even a quick heart to heart con-fab with my cohorts and besides who’d wanna stick around through all that?

However to be totally honest the only real problem in attempting to change my current availability status is that for once in my life I’m actually happy with the way things are somewhat working out and as far as I can see there’s no black clouds of discontent hovering on the horizon. So I’ve gotta ask myself do I really wanna relationship or is it just one of those things that I think that I need because I’m suppose to or because everyone else thinks that I should?

Meanwhile, my ex, the one that lives two doors down the hall from me? Well, she went back to drinking booze and it goes without saying that she does it to an excess and so does her current boyfriend and just last week in an alcohol fueled blackout he ended up kicking the shit out of her and of course she calls me all in tears. Why call me? Well, who knows? Maybe because I’m the only semblance of normality in her life, though that thought alone is too frightening to dwell on, or maybe because I’m a sympathetic shoulder to cry on? Only after all the condolences and mutual commiserations are over she decides to go back to him. “To work it out.” She says and I’m left wondering what in hell’s the matter with her, me and the world in general and why do I really care in the first place if she doesn’t?

Though I wish that I could say that that was the worst of it, but everywhere that I look it seems that friends of mine are immersed in torrid affairs and unfulfilling or unfaithful liaisons which for the most part either leave them totally unhappy or depressed and lost in conflict as to what to do instead. And here I sit albeit alone but breathing a sigh of relief and contemplating whether I really want to be like them or stay like I am. Or maybe I should get some plants and a little furry dog and one of those Croatian mail order brides that they’re selling online and join in with this circus of chaos and pain!

Or do what I’m already doing and that’s just going about my life uninhibited doing what I need to do in order to stay somewhat reasonably sane and knowing that all good things come in time…

17 Responses

  1. Alice

    And all good things do come in time. But in the mean time it wouldn’t hurt to go adopt one of the bueatiful homeless dogs they are flying in from New Orleans… you would be helping out at the same time =).

  2. aughra

    go with an Asian one. Cute and little.Fromage, dear, if you are happy about it, then just breath and go with the flow. And keep buying your own damn icecream.And re: that car – that was your dream car, was it not. Be careful what you wish for.

  3. Ms. J

    You left out soooooooooo many potentially interesting options…Why not consider bestiality as a sort of combo of your mail-order bride and dog from Nawlins? Or a torrid affair with a plant (or one of your male clients?)The possibilities are there for you if you would only but see…

  4. joie

    When I gave up on or rather realised that I would spend the rest of my life alone I started filling it with my interests and concerns. I attended a neighborhood poetry group “join or die”, and became aware of a homeless shelter begun by the neighbors b/c 60% of the buildings were empty but full of squatters and became a volunteer..I met the man I am married to (15 years) at the shelter, He was their first paid staff, he also read his poetry at the gatherings. My husband is still fully involved working with your kind of clientel. I guess my advice is to not look for someone but go and do the things you love and care about and shit just happens…my best to you, really enjoy your writing

  5. Stephanx

    Time to buy a doll…

  6. Stephanx

    One that vibrates…

  7. Stephanx

    and looks like Angelina Jolie…

  8. Stephanx

    or…Have a torrid afair and some plants, like me!!!

  9. Ms. J

    I think Stephan’s last suggestion sounds intriguing… There’s something to be said for perfervid hanky-panky from what I hear…

  10. Isheeta

    I dont care what u say, I along with the rest of the female populace, still want u baby!

  11. ,the mat. floor mat

    hey. thanks for the advice! i just did that. only registered users can comment. haha. and anyway. life always sucks.

  12. Mysterious_Paradox

    Sounds to me like you’re pretty satisfied alone…relationships are tough. I’m at that stage where all men my age are terrified of committment; or maybe all men STAY that way and I haven’t discovered it yet. But being single has a lotta perks. So much potential, and you’re free to look wherever you fancy. And I agree with the pet suggestion…in the meantime, buy a little furry critter. You can always give it away if it gets too serious.

  13. Peg C

    Go to reassurance that decency and sanity still exist.

  14. lab munkay

    Start a relationship with an inmate.1- You spend time on the computer, ergo lots of time to search their adds.2- No fighting over sides of bed.3-No sharing tasty frozen treats.4-The state will keep her alive for you.5-She will have plenty of time for over analizing as well.6- Isolation issues need not apply.7-Small car will remind her of the security of her cell.8-No posable way will she be using while serving time.9- Shower skills.

  15. Suzanne

    You’re a good man. And a good writer. Relationships are painful but rewarding. If you’re acknowledging you shouldn’t be in one, then enjoy not. About the ex though…I know what its like to live so close to someone that close (or formerly) close to your heart. While mine doesn’t come to my door anymore, I wonder if its more painful to pretend we ignore each other, or to have to deal with each other face to face. Become one with your ice cream.

  16. boxen

    make a list of all the qualities you want her to have & ask yourself if you are willing to offer her these things too. set the freezer space boundaries and away you go. and while you’re there – go sleep with all the bloggers who claim to want you.